I text my friends in the group chat, “Help me.”
“I just took seven xans. I can’t see. Help.”
I was high. So. very. high.
I don’t know if you, the person reading this, can relate to having a mental health disorder, let alone suffering from an addiction.
Apart, both are a nightmare. Together, they marry and make misery, covered in an euphoric escape from constant and unstoppable pain.
It started with my diagnosis and a doctor in a low-income city. He was Chinese, sarcastic but fairly nice, and did his best to prescribe and get you in and out of the door in five minutes or less. Understandably…but often times, I needed a bit more time.
Being that this doctor was most likely overworked, underpaid and working in a poor community, let’s just say that he was pretty laxed in his efforts to treat the patients that he would see. Thus, Xanax was his go-to drug. So, we met. Xanax and I didn’t know each other well, but we would end up becoming one in the same. Two of the same kind. Always searching, always needing and always feeling lost.
My addiction grew to the point where I was popping about 5-7 pills a day. I convinced the doctor to give me three refills, so he barely saw me throughout the year. When I ran out, I would get them from my elderly Aunt who took them for her lupus. It’s quite terrible to think on, looking back at things now. The choices I made. The people they affected.
The many people that I disappointed, abandoned, and hurt.
However, I did it. I have to cop to it all. I own up, and accept my past – fully.
My past is not some old, dusty book that was written to be locked away and thrown in the back of a shelf for nobody to ever read or know that it exists. Rather, my addiction to prescription pain pills is an honest look at one of the many struggles of people battling mental illness – yeah, they go hand in hand more than you might think. Most people know this already, and many of them are currently living it. But, make no mistake – I don’t judge you. Keep fighting. Keep trying. DO NOT GIVE UP.
The illness is NEVER in control, but you are.
The addiction is NOT who you are – only if you let it be.
– Until next time… ❤
R.K.B. is an award winning self-published Author, Poet and Entrepreneur from Detroit, Michigan.
Visit her website to learn more, and stay updated on her upcoming works and events: http://www.intomywoods.com !