Hi, I’m Bipolar
I know you just told me where my purse was
I’m going to be late again.
Can you help me find my concealer?
It might be in that clothes bag, or the closet
I’ve got mounds of clothes
as islands covering the floor
My apartment is, really, no one’s home.
And, my room is an unpredictable and chaotic place
A hot chamber,
A boiling volcano
that sometimes sends memories flying
When I can’t breathe.
It’s littered and decorated with dirty plates and
missing phone chargers
And unread text messages,
Eventually, I’ll call my mom back.
Oh, MY GOD
I know that I still cannot leave the house
Looking like this.
I went to bed at 4:59
a.m., not p.m.
I’m just a live wire at night,
Because that’s when I like to sit up and over-analyze
and dissect the parts of life
that I am bothered I cannot
I am 25 with dark circles, eye bags and wrinkles
That’s living for me…
I’m just trying to control all the things that I can’t
quite touch or see-
Just the fact that I am feeling kind of sick
Yes, I know that I am sick
You don’t have to tell me
And, I really wish that my mom would stop asking
me if I have taken my medication yet
I don’t NEED IT…
What I need is
I just need to be out so that I can smile in pictures
with filters for social media to pretend, like
Will today actually be a good day?
I still cannot find my purse or my concealer.
I…… am shaking so hard, that everything in the
room is moving now, damn
Be chill, Ranequa.
Chill the fuck out.
Before people notice.
Maybe a little glass of wine will solve it now.
A cool sip will ease the stress, it always does it
New habits do the body good
Isn’t that so true?
That’s how all the middle-aged white ladies in the
Hollywood movies work out their shit,
As they smile, and they sip
So I smile, and I sip
Because we can overcome anything…
Free and independent, I don’t need anyone
And I take my
For a good night of sleep,
And my Xanax, a little extra
And my Seroquil,
Now, we are in business
Singin’ the best of the black girl blues….
I am strolling in this madness that I have become so
comfortably used to…
Lord! Now, what was wrong a minute ago? I lost
my train of thought…
Sorry, I just love to ride…..and blast Goldlink out
of my radio
Drown out the problems
I gotta go.
But, I can’t make it outside without my purse,
Because that is where I left my keys
Shit, I think! I think…..let me think……
I just need to breathe
And vent, and have some conversation, and
With somebody that, for once, will not make me go
regretting it, come morning
Judging all my fuck ups, flaws and complications…
I’m sorry, I forgot what I was saying. Was it
Jesus Christ, it’s 7 pm
Let me GO
I found my purse on the side of the bed, would you
I might have known, had I just gotten up, just stood
up, and woke up from that DREAM
And snapped myself out of it, but I never can…
It always happens
the memories sneak back up on
me, and I find myself thinking,
Thinking of where I went wrong, and
How many times I have let myself down
And that’s when,
My room starts to spin…
My room starts spiraling
because I sent memories flying
memories went flying and so did all my shit
I am so sorry that you had to see it.
I don’t know what’s going on anymore, I don’t
know, I don’t know, I don’t know
I NEED TO GO.
Here I am again, running late –
I do have somewhere very important to be, – with
people who swear up and down that they love me,
And see value in me
And want to see my shining face tonight
I just hope that I can stay on one topic
And try to enjoy
And not control
Every single, potential conversation
I just want people to like me
I just want people to want to like me
I just want people to want to want me
I just want people to WANT
Deep breaths, now. Remember what that counselor
Lord, okay…now, I think I can see.
I’ve got a thick glaze covered in pain on my eyes,
but I know that the high will come down
There’s no way out of this, no matter what –
it’s always coming.
Thank you, GOD. I made it.
I am finally HERE.
I AM HERE.
Hi, nice to meet you.
(Copyrighted January 3, 2019 by Ranequa Kelley-Boyd)
R.K.B. is an award winning self-published Author, Poet and Entrepreneur from Detroit, Michigan.
Visit her website to learn more, and stay updated on her upcoming works and events: http://www.intomywoods.com !