I used to think that I was so worthless.
When I first got diagnosed, I didn’t even understand mental illness, and neither did my asshole/dumb-ass ex-boyfriend.
I didn’t know what was wrong with me, and he didn’t want to learn how to deal. He dumped me at night, outside of his mom’s house where he slept in the basement, at the end of summertime, on the side of the street. He threw me away. He got rid of me like I was dog, walked out of my life, and I have never seen him since.
After that, I gave up on love.
I became a whore. My body count went from a few to now, to be honest…..
I do not know the number. Yes, at this very moment, I do not know the number. It’s around 12 I think. Maybe. More or less.
They say heart break can be a traumatic experience, and I will gladly raise my hand to attest. It has caused major trauma for me, mentally, psychologically and emotionally. I never really got over that abandonment.
I am in therapy now, and I am doing the work – which is all that matters. I am on a path to growth and healing. NEW BEGINNINGS. The past no longer concerns me on my path to maximizing my ultimate potential in life.
The past no longer concerns me on my path to maximizing my ultimate potential in life.
Yes, read that twice if you need to.
Here is how I got here. It took almost four years, but I did it! I want to share how I grew to love myself first. Then, I will share how I grew to truly BELIEVE that I deserved the love that I give.
Here’s the START:
- Tap into your inner self. Some use GOD and/or spirituality of some form. Some use yoga, meditation, or self-affirmations. Some use prayer, or self-reflective journals to aid in recognizing who they are. We ALL will need a self-reminder throughout life, and that’s okay.
- OTHER people’s opinions DO NOT MATTER when it comes to your self-perception. How do YOU feel about you? Ask yourself that question EVERY DAY. If you are feeling negative, ask yourself why. STOP ASKING OTHER PEOPLE. AGAIN, tune into you. NOTE: (Obviously, if your loved ones are voicing opinions out of love, take them into consideration. Ultimately, however, the most important opinion about you is going to come FROM YOU)!
- SELF – CARE. Pour into yourself! Love on yourself! If you like the house smelling good and food on the table when you come home from work and you are a living single, cook and clean the night before. You might not always be in the mood to do it. DO IT ANYWAY. The small things count, especially when you have a mental illness. Treat yourself, give yourself the love that you have craved from others all your life and maybe never received.
- BE CONSISTENT with putting self-love to practice. If and when you have your next episode or mental breakdown, it’s okay to throw a pity party. But like any party, parties end, so don’t hand around sadness for too long. TAP INTO YOURSELF, speak life into yourself when you feel like dying inside. Get back up. Fight for your happiness, and continue to fight for it EACH AND EVERY DAY.
- Remain faithful. Bipolar, depression, suicidal idealizations and other mental illnesses have the ability to suck all the life right out of our spirits. REMAIN FAITHFUL. Have faith that GOD WILL WORK IT OUT. If you do not believe in GOD, still, REMAIN FAITHFUL that your trouble will not last always. However, we must endure in order to prevail. WE MUST ENDURE TO PREVAIL.
How I realized that I DESERVED love:
- Typical, but I recognized my worth! Even though I grind my teeth due to anxiety, take three medications, and have gained over 50 pounds due to my mental illnesses, I LOVE RANEQUA. I love who I am. I think that I am an amazing warrior. It took a long fucking time to actually say it and mean it. Now, I need for you to say it and mean it, too.
- I stopped letting people treat me like hot trash garbage. Now, I value my worth so much that I will do anything to protect it. I watch the company I keep, and make adjustments to my circle if and when need be! And even in 2018, I have had to make said adjustments. It is not going to be easy! However, nothing of value ever really is! Remember that 🙂
- I started protecting my peace! I am cautious of positive energy thieves, abusers, manipulators, users, time wasters and deceivers. I am mindful and watchful of people’s patterns, actions and behavior, along with their words, and I take careful notice of their consistency as well. This skill takes trial, error and time to develop. It also takes confidence. Believe in yourself that you are worthy of having ONLY the best quality of people in your life – no excuses!
- I started smiling more, and meaning every smile. If I’m having a bad day, I allow myself to have one, but I seek and strive for genuine happiness and positivity every day, even in bad situations. This kind of outlook on life makes even the most fucked up ordeals less shitty, and makes this world we live in a little lighter and brighter, as we are able to see the goodness in all things, no matter what.
- I started giving love to others, and not expecting anything in return! I compliment people more, I like thousands of my friends’ posts on social media to support them, I offer to help others whenever I can and just became an overall resource to the people around me. I can’t tell you the amount of warmth, self-reflection and inner strength that that has given me. It is a profound feeling. With humility, you can spread so much love, that the universe is guaranteed to one day pour it right back onto you. But you have to be loving from a kind place with honesty, and not keeping score of good deeds expecting others to kiss your ass in the long run. LOVE others – because it is just the kind of thing that you WANT TO DO.
On Dating with Mental Illness, I find these things to be TOP PRIORITY:
- Date someone who is not judgmental
- Date someone who is patient
- Date someone who is open-minded
- Date someone who is willing to learn ABOUT your condition
- Date someone who is understanding
- Date someone who will HOLD YOU ACCOUNTABLE if need be!
- Date someone who can make you smile.
- Date someone who loves you during manic episodes, ups, downs and all there is in-between.
- Date someone who does not walk out on or abandon you when things go bad
- Date someone who will be an advocate FOR YOU, during times when you may not able to advocate for yourself
❤ ALL OF THIS MATTERS SO VERY MUCH… ❤
I promise that if you start with this, you too will see –
we might be mentally ill, but we definitely deserve love, and can and will find it in the world. That I have faith in, for sure.
UNTIL NEXT TIME 🙂
R.K.B. is an award winning self-published Author, Poet and Entrepreneur from Detroit, Michigan.
Visit her website to learn more, and stay updated on her upcoming works and events: http://www.intomywoods.com !